I was thinking this morning:
In two months, I will have been here ten years,
And you're like my real family, Isn't that tragic?
My mother called and wished me happy birthday,,,
,,,and hinted to the fact I wasn't making enough money,
If you can call, "Still making the same salary, honey? " a hint,
My ex-wife used to say that too, but she never used the word "honey,"
-In three years, can I double my income? -Good Iuck,
-Four years? -Maybe,
You're great people and this is a great present,
I wish I could squeeze all of you into one pretty woman,
If you'd Iike to go into my office, I'II try,
Thanks a Iot,
I'II be home soon, I'm taking Daniel to get his new car,
-What'd he get? -BMW convertible,
Oh, my God, Leather?
-Leather? -Oh, yeah,
-I want one, -AII right, Kiss AIex for me,
-I want one, -She says, "happy birthday,"
These are great, Thanks,
-Just stuff I Iike, -It's great,
Why do you drive this?
I see people driving these,
What, is a flood coming?
Hoover Dam broke?
I Iike this car,
It's a battering ram, This is what Patton drove,
"Hey, you, soldier, forward,"
In an 8,5 earthquake, you'II beg for a Jeep,
In an 8,5 earthquake, I'II beg for a coffin,
-What are you doing tonight? -Taking a Iong drive,
-AIone? -Unless someone comes with the car,
You don't want to be alone on your birthday,
What better day to be alone?
I don't have that hang up about birthdays and parties,
You're born alone, celebrate it,
Celebrate aloneness, That's what birthdays are for,
Never thought of that,
It's a pitiful theory,
I've had these cars before and there's something wrong,
The smell is making me sick,
That's a normal smell,
That's a protective coating, it's not oil burning,
-You Iook fantastic, You Iose weight? -Did I what?
I was talking to someone else,
-Did any Iights come on the dash? -I don't think so,
That means you're okay, If there's any trouble, they come on,
We have a saying around here,
"If you smell something and don't see Iights, try dry cleaning,"
Try what?
She has no sense of humor,
Dry cleaning?
If it smells on Monday, bring it in,
-I'm sure it's nothing, -I'm sure it's something,
Trouble with a new car?
She's a Iunatic, Boy, you have Iost a Iot of weight!
A Iot of weight? You saw me three days ago,
You Iook different, Why?
I don't know, I just wrote you a check for $39,000,
That's it, That's the Iook, $39,000 Iighter,
Let's go get it,
Let's get her,
What's in the box?
-It's my birthday, I got a CD player, -Happy birthday,
-You got a CD player in the car, -No, I don't,
You paid for it,
You wanted the best, The best radio comes with a CD,
You'II Iove it,
There she is,
It's gorgeous!
Look at it, It Iooks huge! It's beautiful!
That's not it, That's a 750, That's it,
What a cutie,
Try not to show the 750 first, My car Iooks Iike a turd now,
If I had to choose between this car and yours, I'd take yours every time,
You're an idiot, Jim,
Do we all have to hear that?
Come to me,
Good afternoon, and welcome to Judgment City,
You just had quite a journey, so relax and enjoy the ride,
Considering your recent transformation, you won't have any choice,
If we've done our work correctly,,,
,,, you should all be from the western half of the United States,
Even though this isn't the Earth,,,
,,,our surroundings should seem pleasing and very familiar to you,
Why you're here,,,
,,,and what you'll be doing will be explained later,
No need to worry about that now,
Soon we'll be dropping you off at your hotel,
You'll sleep tonight and when you awake,,,
,,, you'll feel wonderful and raring to go,
You'll find many activities to enjoy in Judgment City,
How many like to play golf?
You won't be able to get your hands up yet,,,
,,,but we have three championship golf courses,
Sit back and have fun,
You'll be here for five days and we want you to enjoy yourselves,
Those staying at the Continental Hotel will be escorted from the tram,
The rest of us will depart momentarily, Thank you,
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, My name is Stan,
Because of what you've been through, you'II want to go fast asleep,
You're already checked in, Nothing to worry about tonight,
Everything will be explained tomorrow,
Have a good rest, If you have any questions, I'm here to help,
Thank you,
Excuse me, sir,
Mr, Miller, this is your room, Make yourself at home,
I'II be right back,
AII the clothing you'II need for the time you're here is in this closet,
We call these tupas, They're Iike caftans, They fit everyone,
Would you Iike to shower, or are you too tired?
Too tired?
I understand, There are five channels of programming on the television,
Channel 3 tells you about Judgment City,
Have a wonderful night's sleep, If I can do anything, I'm at your service,
I'd be surprised if there's anything in there, but I appreciate the attempt,
SIeep well,
Good morning, AIan,
Good morning, Philip,
GIad you could make it, Leonard,
-Good morning, Susan, -Good morning, Mr, Diamond,
-Who's prosecuting? -Lena Foster,
She'II have a field day with this,
She Iost Iast Thursday,
Really?
There is a God,
Okay, call him up, please,
-Hold on for Bob Diamond, please, -Who?
Daniel?
Diamond here, How are you? Good sleep?
-Yes, -Amazing, isn't it?
Listen, you're going to get up, shower, put on those nice clothes,,,
,,,and take a tram downtown and come see me this morning,
Do you know what's going on?
No,
In a nutshell, you're here to defend your Iife, And I'II help you,
Defend my Iife?
Soon, you'II be smarter than anyone you've ever met,
Sound exciting?
I guess,
It is, believe me,
Did you eat breakfast yet?
No,
I've got good news for you,
It's not only the best food you'II ever have, but you can eat all you want,
I can what?
As Iong as you're here, you can eat all you want, You won't gain weight,
So pig-out, Eat 30 hotcakes, I'II see you at 1 1 :00,
Eat all I want?
Eat everything, Take care,
I've loved you from the day I met you,
When did you meet me? Do you remember?
Don't do this to me,
Of course, I remember,
What's my middle name?
-You never told me, -It's the first thing I told you,
In which life?
That's it, Lenore, You tried, and you failed, The game is over for you,
Stay here and someone will come and get you,
Stu, the decision is yours,
Do you want to stop here, or face your fear?
I'll face the fear,
He's facing his fear!
You might just get a hole in one,
Want to eat a lot?
Ted's House of Buffet says you can have everything you see, plus more,
Our chefs will cook it, but they won't look,
Like to horseback ride?
Judgment Stables, open till sunset, welcomes you,
If your trial's through early, come ride with us,
Good morning,
"Take the eggs, I pray thee,"
What's good here?
Everything is sensational,
-How's the cheese omelet? -Sensational,
-I'II take it and some orange juice, -I'II be right back,
Was this made for somebody else?
No, just for you,
That fast?
Fast and delicious, Eat all you want,
-Delicious, -That's nice,
A red tram is Ieaving right now that will get you into town by 1 1 :00,
To make sure you're on time, you should Ieave now,
These are the best eggs I ever had,
Of course,
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Inner City Transport System,
Please remain seated until the tram comes to a full stop,
Never exit the tram once it's moving,,,
,,,because of the electronic field surrounding the moving vehicle,
So young, AIDS?
Car accident,
Oh, my God!
-But you feel okay now, don't you? -Yes, I do,
Me, too,
Isn't it amazing? Is this what you thought it would be? I certainly didn't,
I don't know what it is yet, Do you?
No, I guess I don't,
You make me think of my Iittle poodle,
Do you have a dog?
I did have a dog,
I'II tell you about my dog,
I had a Iittle,,,,
-Have you got a while? -Yeah, go ahead,
They Iet us on the train in those days, We didn't have to put him in baggage,
Every time the conductor came around, he knew it,
And he would crawl down in the corner of the bag,
-Did you have a dog? -You asked me that twice,
-What did you say? -Yes,
-What did I say? -It's wonderful,
Well, it is,
Mr, Miller, welcome, I'm Helen, one of Mr, Diamond's assistants,
Come with me, please,
-Looks familiar, right? -I was just thinking that,
It was designed to be as stress-free for you folks as possible,
If we can do anything to make it more Iike Earth, we have suggestion boxes,
We'd Iike your opinion,
If you want to make it more Iike Earth, you should build some mini-malls,
It's funny you should say that, Six just opened up outside of town,
I hear they're Iovely,
I never go because I don't Iike yogurt and I do my own nails,
Mr, Diamond will be with you shortly,
Daniel, Bob Diamond,
Come in,
How are you?
Sit down, my friend,
What's wrong?
You Iook good in that tupa, Some people don't, but you do,
It's flattering to you,
So, is this what you thought it would be?
Thought what would be? Where am I? Heaven?
No, it isn't heaven,
-Is it hell? -No, it isn't hell either,
Actually, there is no hell, But I hear Los Angeles is getting pretty close,
Daniel, Iet me tell you what's going on,
When you're born into this universe, you're in it for a Iong time,
You have many different Iifetimes, After each one,,,
,,,there's an examining period, which you're in now,
Every second of every Iifetime is recorded,,,
,,,and as each one ends, we sort of Iook at it,
Look at a few of the days, examine it,,,
,,,and if everyone agrees, you move forward,
-What do you mean "move forward"? -Continue onward,
The point of the whole thing is to keep getting smarter,
To keep growing,,,
,,,to use as much of your brain as possible, I use 48 percent of my brain,
How much do you use?
47,
3,
I'm sorry?
3,
I use 3 percent of my brain?
Don't worry, Everybody on Earth uses 3 percent of their brain,
3 to 5 percent, That's why they're there,
3? 3 percent?
No one on Earth uses more than that?
When you use more than 5 percent you don't want to be on Earth,
Though your take-out places are Iovely,,,
,,,there are more exciting destinations for smarter people,
Being from Earth as you are, and using as Iittle of your brain as you do,,,
,,,your Iife is devoted to dealing with fear,
It has?
Everybody on Earth deals with fear, That's what Little Brains do,
What are "Little Brains"?
That's what we call you folks behind your back,
Forgive me,
Who are you?
I'm just Iike you,
I was on Earth a Iong time ago,
But I advanced, I moved forward, I got over my fears,
And I got smarter, Did your friends' stomachs hurt?
-Everyone of them, -It's fear,
Fear is Iike a giant fog,
It blocks everything,
Real feelings, true happiness, real joy,
They can't get through that fog,
But you Iift it,,,
,,,and you're in for the ride of your Iife,
God, my 3 percent is swimming,
-What are you reading? -You wouldn't understand,
Just numbers,
-You read numbers? -Yes, sir,
I'm on trial for being afraid?
First, I don't Iike to call it a "trial," Second, yes,
-What happens if I'm guilty? -Don't think "innocent" or "guilty,"
Worse comes to worse, you'II go back to Earth and try again,
You keep going back until you get it right?
Not forever, Eventually, they'II throw you away,
-Have I been to Earth before? -Yeah,
-How many times? -Approaching 20,
-Is that a Iot? -I was there six,
My God! So I'm the dunce of the Universe,
We've had people who have been there 100 times,
I wouldn't want them as friends, but we've seen them,
If you're defending me, is there a prosecutor?
Damn good one, Lena Foster,
We call her "The Dragon Lady,"
That's our prosecutor?
-Who does she work for? -The Universe,
The Universe is Iike a big machine, and we are parts,
If a bad part gets through before it's ready,,,
,,,the whole machine breaks down,
We're here to make sure you're ready,
-What do they Iook at exactly? -I can't tell you that exactly,
But I can tell you it's nine days from your Iife,
Nine days, So my trial goes on for nine days?
No, AII the trials Iast four days,
We Iook at nine days, or episodes, from your Iife,
-Tell me which days, -I'm not allowed,
Is that a normal number? High? Low? Is that a good number?
You're very concerned about normal, Kind of cute,
I'd prefer seven, but nine's fine, Some have twelve,
-Hungry? -Starving, I didn't have time to eat,
Well, Mr, AII-You-Can-Eat, Iet's stuff, Come on,
We have about 400,000 residents here,
We service half of the US's dead, About 2,500 people a day,
Do children come here?
Children don't have to defend themselves,
When a child is taken, they automatically move forward,
Isn't that nice?
Any teenagers?
Too much trouble, They go elsewhere, We tried, but they damaged the tupas,
Too rowdy,
How is your chicken?
Delicious,
-What are you eating? -You wouldn't Iike this,
What does it taste Iike?
You're curious, aren't you? I Iike that,
-Want to try? -Yeah, Looks so weird,
-Oh, my God! -Like horseshit, huh?
As you get smarter, you manipulate your senses,
This tastes different to me than to you,
This is what smart people eat?
So talk to me, Tell me about your Iife,
You feel you had any problems?
Sure, I had some problems,
Everybody has problems, don't they?
Everybody on Earth,
Did you give a Iot to charity?
A Iot?
A Iot of money, Did you donate things?
This isn't a good or a bad thing, I'm merely curious,
I'm sure I could have given more,
I gave a Iot to street people, but you never get a receipt,
How much do you have to give? What's the total?
Don't worry,
Relax,
There was one person you were really cheap with,
Over and over again, I wish you'd been more generous with him,
Who?
You,
-I got to go, -Where do you go now?
You wouldn't understand, That's not an insult, I mean it Iiterally,
Get out tonight, Have some fun, You know what you might try?
Get over to the Past Lives Pavilion,
What is that?
It's where you see the people you've been before,
You see yourself in other Iives?
Most people Iove it, but some it makes nauseous,
Don't worry about it,
Take care,
Want to take that chicken with you? They Iove putting things in bags,
If you need to talk to me at any time, just call,
-I never sleep, -Never?
I do have a question,
I'II call you Iater,
You're already checked in, You have nothing to worry about tonight,
Everything will be explained to you in the morning,
If I told you how old this man was, you wouldn't believe me,
Should I tell them? We're talking Iight years,
Light years, He Iooks good though,
No prostate, but he Iooks fine,
You're Iooking at me Iike stunned sheep, Come on!
What is this, a white sale?
I'm going to tell you a story,
About a year ago, this Little Brain comes in here,
I'm talking,,,
,,,half a percent of his brain at the most,
He orders a piece of pie, he forgets what it is,
He Iooks down, doesn't know what it is, It's a piece of pie,
I say, "What are you doing?" He says, "I'm waiting to make a call,"
I say, "Does that Iook Iike a phone?" He says, "It is a phone,"
The joke is on me, He picked up the pie and called his mother!
Folks, come on, please, Stay with me here,
You're on trial, not me,
-Hi, What's your name? -Arthur,
-Hi, Arthur? Where were you from? -Denver,
-Lovely city, Denver, Arthur, Did you ski? -No,
No,
-How'd you die? -I was in a coma,
I'm sorry, How Iong were you in a coma?
I really don't know,
Let's play a game,
-EIvis, Living or dead? -Living,
Long coma, Art,
Long coma,
Have a nice day,
-What's your name? -Ernie,
Hi, Having a good time in Judgment City?
It's fun, The food's good,
It is, Have you been to the stables? Like to horseback ride?
Not very much,
There's a nice-Iooking young man, Hi, How'd you die?
On stage, Iike you,
Funny, Maybe you should come up here,
No, thank you,
Of course, he doesn't want to, This is very hard work, but I Iove it,
And I Iove you, Little Brains, Have you heard any Little Brain jokes?
I know you, right?
I hope so, Who are you?
-I'm Julia, -Hi, I'm Daniel,
-You know me? -I thought I did,
You weren't in the bus, were you?
-What bus? -I hit a bus,
No, I don't think so,
Sit down,
I'm sorry, you really Iook,,,
-,,,so familiar to me, -Really?
Maybe because I'm the only man under 100,
That could be it,
I want to tell you a true story,
Three months ago, six dead people came in,
Obviously, humor has nothing to do with brain size,
Obviously,
Do you want to take a walk or do you want to stay and see the show?
I have to, That's my dad,
I'm kidding,
-That would be so sad for me, -Awful,
So, the moral of the story is, if you got to fart, go outside,
Let's go,
Folks, please,
-PIease, you don't want to miss the song, -We'II get the record,
PIease,
Ed and I'd Iike to do a beautiful song, One of your favorites,
We'II do it a bit different, This is from me,,,
,,,to you,
"That was Iife
"That's how you Iived it
"And now you Little Brains are here to defend it"
I'm glad we stayed,
Let's go,
"You'II do just swell and if not
"You'II go to hell" Just kidding!
-What's that? -What?
I don't believe you,
You'II make a great baby in the next Iife,
Didn't anyone ever tell you, you carry yourself very stiffly?
Leave me alone, I'm dead,
-How many days are you Iooking at? -My Iawyer says nine,
-You call him a "Iawyer"? -What do you call yours?
Sam,
You call him by his first name? It never occurred to me to do that,
I bet you called everybody by their first names,
What was your butcher's name?
Pete,
-What about your mailman? -Jesse, What was your mailman's name?
No idea,
He was coming to my house for over a decade and I couldn't tell you,
-Didn't you get him a Christmas present? -Liquor, I just put it in the box,
-I don't suppose you had a butcher? -Steve,
-Steve Rubin, -Seriously?
He wasn't a professional butcher, He was a buddy who Iiked to cut meat,
You'd bring him a steak, he'd cut it,
-How many days are you Iooking at? -Four,
That's all?
That means you'II go on,
I hope so,
-Sam thinks so, -Sam does?
Yeah,
I hope you and Sam are very happy, I'II write to you from hell,
I Iike this,
-Were you married? -Yes,
-Children? -No,
What about you?
I had a girl and I adopted a boy,
How old were they?
Stephanie was 7 and Adam was 9,
I bet they miss you,
I'm sure they do,
I miss them,
But I feel okay about it, Don't you?
I didn't know them that well,
It does, it feels okay,
They say they make it that way so we can Iook at our Iives without distractions,
My Iawyer Bob told me the same thing,
But wouldn't you call this,,,
,,,a distraction?
-But isn't eating all you want a distraction? -Isn't it the best?
I had a dream that I'd go to a place where I could eat all I want,,,
,,,and now I'm here!
You dreamed about this place?
I was dreaming about the Sizzler near my house,
What about your husband? Did you have a good marriage?
Parts of it were okay,
What about your wife?
I got married too young,
-How old were you? -Seventy-one,
-What did she Iook Iike? -Very pretty, Too pretty,
You should be with a person who's just good-Iooking enough to turn you on,
Any excess brings problems, She was much prettier than I needed,
Never heard that theory before,
So you Iike your Iawyer?
He's brilliant, You know how big his brain is?
I came from a world filled with penis envy to a world of brain envy,
How big is his brain?
-What's this? -It's my hotel,
-This is your hotel? -Yeah, Where are you staying?
At the place for people who weren't generous and didn't adopt anybody,
I'm at the Continental, Come over one day, We'II paint it,
Tomorrow after the trials, do you want to have dinner?
I can't tomorrow,
-You can't? -No, I'm sorry,
You can't have plans here already? Should I call you in two weeks?
Sam is having a small dinner party,
He said there'd be very smart people there and asked me to go,
Sam again,
I hope you're not dating your defender, I know in my heart it's wrong,
I'II call you after the dinner, We can talk on the phone,
It'II give me time to have sex with my prosecutor,
Good Iuck tomorrow,
Good night,
Champagne and caviar now being served in the Blue Room,
Daniel! Right here!
How are you feeling, buddy?
Doing all right? Let's go,
-Nervous? -No, Should I be?
I wouldn't be,
-What did you do Iast night? -I met this amazing woman,
You met a girl? You're kidding me!
What are you Iaughing at?
It just sounds funny,
Two days after the car accident and you're in Iove,
I've done this a million times and every time it feels Iike new,
Here we are,
Ready?
Hello, Robert,
Well, well, If it isn't my old friend,
I heard we Iost Iast Thursday,
-Leave it to you to greet me with that, -Turnabout's fair play,
I'm going to get you,
I promise,
Don't make conversation,
Are you two feuding?
It isn't a feud, Feuding suggests at one time you Iiked each other,
We never did,
-This should be a mistrial, -It's not a trial,
Then it's a mis-whatever it is, You two are already fighting,
-Good morning, -Good morning,
I'm sure your defender explained the basics to you, but Iet me just say,,,
,,,even though this feels Iike a trial, it isn't,
It's just a process that helps us decide,
As imperfect as it may be, we think it works quite well,
What you'II see on the screen,,,
,,,will Iook and feel so real to you, you might be uneasy at first,
Just relax, After a while, I think it will become pleasurable to you,
They tell me it feels something Iike 3-D,
Any questions, Mr, Miller?
You may begin,
Thank you, Your Honors,
Over the following four days, I will attempt to show that Daniel Miller,,,
,,,while he is a quality human being, is still held back,,,
,,,by the fears that have plagued him,,,
,,,Iifetime after Iifetime,
I believe that I can show without a shadow of a doubt,,,
,,,that he must once again be returned to Earth to work on this problem,
May we begin in childhood, please? Could we go to,,,
,,,1 1-4-19?
By the way,,,
,,,this signifies you're 1 1 years, four months and 19 days old,
-Is that clear? -I think so,
In other words, if I said, 9-2-17,,,
,,,you would be nine years, two months and 17 days old,
I understand,
Realistic, isn't it, Mr, Miller?
-Look what I found, -Give me that,
Make me,
Why don't you make me?
You can't make me because I'II beat the shit out of you,
You couldn't,
Hit him, Daniel!
Come on!
Chicken! Hit me right here, Come on, chicken,
Hit him, Daniel!
Stick up for yourself, Iow-Iife chicken,
That's too bad,
Come over to my house Iater and I'II help you glue it back together,
What were you feeling as you watched that episode?
It felt strange to watch myself, Is that what you mean?
I mean emotionally,
What kind of feelings did this bring up?
Frustration?
It's not a test, There's no right answer,
Is that what you felt?
Frustration?
I guess,
Why were you afraid?
I object,
How did we introduce the word "afraid"? From frustration to "afraid"?
This is already pronouncing him guilty,
-Could we use another word? -Which one?
What word would I use? How about "restraint"?
I think the Iittle boy was dignified,
"Restraint"?
May I show you what I mean?
Be my guest,
Your Honors, may we go to 1-8-17, please?
What are you accusing me of? Say it to my face!
-What? -You never think about my problems,
-Lower your voice, -Lower my voice?
Don't yell in front of the baby,
It's always the baby, What about me?
I Iive here, too! I work hard to pay for this house!
-I know you do! -The minute I earn it, you spend it!
You think I spend too much?
AII I do is scrimp!
If you don't Iike it, then why don't you Ieave?
Stop it! This happens when you drink!
Lecture time! Just sit down and join the Iecture!
Don't touch me!
In that brief moment, when that baby and his father's eyes met,,,
,,,this child Iearned the meaning of restraint,
He wasn't afraid, He was mature,
He was non-violent, Dignified, I call it,
My colleague may believe in "Hit first, ask questions Iater",,,
,,,but we're not all that way,
I resent that,
Let's ask Mr, Miller, In the schoolyard, did you want to hit that child back?
I wanted to hit him back, but I felt restraint,
You felt restraint, I see,
Is restraint always the best course of action in every case?
No,
Wouldn't this have been a case to not restrain yourself?
If you had stuck up for yourself,,,
,,,this event would not have haunted you all your Iife,
You never forgot this,
You always thought about it,
Hold on, People think about Iots of things throughout their entire Iife,
You're isolating this incident?
Aren't we here to isolate incidents? Or maybe I don't understand the job,
Your Honors, to save valuable time,,,
,,,I submit 1 1-4-19 as shown without further comment,
I'm fully satisfied, I Iove watching this kid,
Anything you want to say?
I feel very good about the "restraint" idea,
Thank you,
You're up,
While we're still in childhood,,,
,,,I'd Iike to show something absolutely extraordinary,
Could we go to 10-9-15, please?
I'm on probation for stealing books,
They're going to think I stole this, I'II be expelled,
You won't,
Of course, I will, I'm already in big trouble,